Independence Day Weekend!
So it's happened twice in the past week. I have told two of my favorite people in the world that I was angry and jealous of them. (One was far more serious - the second was simply because she happened to have a DVR and had all the episodes of House in her happy home.) Thinking about these two separate instances makes me realize how different a person I've become.
A while back, Angela and I were talking about aging. She turned the big three oh and was talking about how old we were getting. Now, I myself don't turn thirty for another two and a half months, but it's not such a difference. And truthfully, I'm a far better person now than I was ten years ago. And I'm not being philosopical about how age mellows us and teaches us to make better choices. I'm flat out a lot more fun now.
I don't know why it didn't happen with marriage. Jonathan is the most wonderful man I have ever met, and sharing my life with him has been amazing. However, I brought a lot of my neuroses into our relationship; my tendency to withdraw from people, my dislike of social situations, and my fear of trying new thing out of a fear of failure and/or rejection. Even with those things in my life, he doesn't think I'm a horrible person, but as they affect me, so do they affect our relationship.
But with Caleb in my life, suddenly, all the petty little crap seems is obvious to me. And rather than acknowlege it and slip back into it, I'm looking at the past four months saying, Hmm, it hasn't been an issue for a long time. For that reason alone ~ I mean, even if I didn't think the universe revolved around him ~ he is worth every dollar he'll cost us.
Which brings us back to my friends being exposed to my nastiness. The thing is, I've always been horrible like that. But I wouldn't have always said things like that out loud - can't risk offending the people that I actually enjoy, right? Instead, I would just let that garbage sit in me, and after a while, I'd be completely irritable with that person and wouldn't even remember why. So the fact that those friends know me well enough to love me despite the fact that I've just been completely honest with them is unbelievable to me.
So as we celebrate the fourth of July holiday, I'm praising God that said friends stuck around long enough for me to reach my own freedom. Thanks, guys. I love you all!
posted by Amanda @ 1:42 PM
You are an amazing friend and I don't want to think about all the "crap" you've had to put up with from me over the years. By the way, you are welcome here any time to watch House (new season starts Sept 5th!).